Wishes

I love and hate the feeling of being alone.

Have you ever wished you could go to a different place; everything will be new to you – the people, the environment, the culture, or even the language. I wish I can, and then I’ll be a stranger and will start a new, different kind of life. I’m just turning 20 but it feels like I have made all the mistakes a person could regret. Of course I am only exaggerating but that is just what I feel.

From the very start of creating this blog, I have always wanted to be mysterious. Not the scary kind or the criminal kind of mysterious. But the wallflower kind could be. I see this quiet kind of people really amusing. I want to be like them. Because I know deep down inside their minds are unique thoughts and loud opinion. They cannot voice them out so they keep it through arts – music, painting, sculpture, drawings, writers, artists. Aren’t they interesting? That’s why I like their kind of mysteriousness. But unfortunately, I am only the “not-really-an-arcane” person because I like to be around with friends. Not much, but just enough who can make me laugh and dream. Friends encourage and strengthen, especially when they’re true.

When I was in freshman year, I never went to the cafeteria alone, although I will not be eating there and will just take-out food, I just cannot bear the feeling of walking in a crowded room, alone. Eventually, I learned how to do it because I need to. If I won’t, I’ll suffer from stomach ache and that is worse than feeling alone. (But still I haven’t learned how to eat alone.) I walked this afternoon going to the cafeteria. And when you want to walk with someone you really, really like, going to the cafeteria feels so lonely. And now I just wish I didn’t get to like someone.

I wish I can write inspiring things. Ever since I got my heart broken, almost everything I write about is hurting and pain. I tried writing positive thoughts and blessings but I can’t keep up. Maybe the only reason why I am writing is that I don’t have someone to talk these things with. I have observed last year that I have fewer blog posts probably because I had good listening friends. It means that instead of sharing my thoughts through blogging, I have shared it already to my friends, so there’s no more use of expressing it in any other ways. But I guess, it still makes me feel better when they say, “Blog not to impress but to express.”

Everything is about feelings. I'm truly a girl. HAHA.