Jul 22, 2015

For so many times, I questioned the existence of God

I was 11 years old  when I began to ask myself, "Is there really a God?"

I remember so clearly that one night in my room when I opened a notebook and started to write that question. I can't remember the specific reason why I came with that bugging thought. Maybe it was after I got scolded, or maybe after I experienced an accident.  I actually don't really have a good explanation why I would I think of such thing in the first place.  But just after finishing scribbling the first question mark, so many other questions about life followed. Although I grew up in a Christian family, I became that girl who was very curious about the universe, how everything in this world had its beginning, life after death, suffering, poverty, morality, etc.


At that one point in my life, I think I became a non-believer. Which was really ironic because I came to be one just a few months after accepting baptism. I was taught to go to church and to pray. And I did. But there was void in my heart. I only pray when I want to question things. I didn't show it, not even admit that I was in doubt and knew I was empty.

But here comes the interesting part where the God I was doubting started to prove Himself to me. It was really, really quiet but persistent and consistent.

Because I was still a little girl who should be carefree and happy, my questions didn't linger too much. They only annoy me when we are at the church and I was forced to listen because we were studying the Bible, or when I pity myself after being scolded. I was somehow an obedient and quiet girl deeply hiding her disobedience and loud doubts about her spirituality.

Then year after year, challenges came to my life. Disappointments, sickness, failures, death, heartaches. They were all painful. Some of them brought back the annoying questions I had. 
But all along, as we try to overcome these things, they brought lessons in my life. And instead of making my doubts more evident and sharper, an eraser was attached to every problem. Gently, these bad experiences rubbed my questions away. But not everything at once. Some questions were difficult to rub that it had to cost lots of tears and consolation and a broken heart all over again. And the people who came and stayed and even those who just passed by also brought erasers with them. They taught me how to gently rub these heavy writings. It took almost 10 years of a quiet but persistent working of a once doubted God to completely erase the bugging thoughts of that little girl and prove that He is true and living.


It requires prayers and an open heart in the yielding to God's words and God's call to entirely believe on Him. It also requires humility and confessing and admitting that I was lonely and empty while still holding on to my disbelief to finally let go. It was not easy especially when doubts come to haunt me while I am praying. But the Bible proves it, "Nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37, 18:27

Now, it is so comforting to know that there is Someone who loves me despite of knowing how sinful I am, that there is Someone who remembers and thinks of me every single time, Someone who is even willing to lay down His life just to save me, and He is  still now pursuing me to be like Him so I can enjoy that wonderful place He prepared just to be with me again. That amazing love has what made my doubts finally go away.
  
For so many times in the past, I have questioned God's existence. And through God's grace, I don't want to go back doubting again.

PS. Details of the experiences would mean a different blog post. ;)

Jul 12, 2015

Thank You!

I just turned 21 years old last July 10. Wow. 
Reaching this age and I'm still in college, feels like I'm still a teenager but is being pulled by the "starting adulthood" stage. I think It feels like I'm just beginning puberty stage! Or maybe that is just a wish. :))
When I was 12, I can't wait to reach 18 years old and be a college girl already. Now that I'm 21, I still want to be 18. It just feels sweet being 18, sweeter than 16. ;)

And now, looking back and reflecting upon the past 21 years, all I can see is that it is God who has molded me to whoever I am right now. 

I have made so many mistakes and bad decisions. I've had dark experiences and failures. I have cried a lot, got confused, angry, lonely. But above all these downs in life, the best part of it all was that I have the Lord beside me. There are so many times that I turned my back to Him and yet in the end, I would always find myself crying at His feet. He never, not even once turned His back on me. 
He has blessed me with people that have been channels of joy and hope in my life. I admit that I am not a friendly person, I have kept only a few friendships but I am glad that they are genuine. I praise God for keeping them in my life. To specifically mention some of these friendships, I have my roommates, LAMP family, SUBO, AUDITORS, and some special individuals. They have been God's instruments of keeping me steadfast in faith. I am not even sure if I have been a good friend to them, but what I am definitely sure is that they are the best that I've got so far, and I am soooo thankful to them.
The same with my friends, I have the most supportive and loving family. I might be 21 now but they still see me like a little girl. And I think I know why - it's because I'm the eldest granddaughter and they're still adjusting. But that's fine. It's feels good to be treated and supported like a little girl. ;) I've got their backs whenever I feel like failing and falling. They are so proud of my little accomplishments. And I thank the Lord for a happy family He has given me. 
One more thing I am thankful to the Lord is that He has placed me to His university. I have never imagined before that I'll be going to an Adventist University during college. But here I am. I have spent the last five years here and almost ready to finish college. I don't know what kind of Christian I am if I had not been put here. This is the place where I have personally known my Saviour. It's the best place for me, in helping my relationship with Him grow deeper and stronger.

I remember the messages I've heard the past days from some of my friends that birthdays are not just about the celebrant but above all, it is praising his Creator and Sustainer of life. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with one whole year. And during that whole year, one thing I can be proud of with my life is that I've witnessed the Lord's goodness, faithfulness and love. Nothing can be compared to that. He has made me feel the most special!

Friends, if you've stumbled upon this post and have read this, I am thankful to Lord for you! 

Picture summary of an almost week long birthday celebration:









                 

I've mentioned in my previous blog posts about this list I was making before turning 21. And just like other lists that I have made, I've only accomplished a few. Now I'd like to still do them before turning 22. I'm excited! It's like a bucket list. And one major thing in my list is to send personal letters through post mail. Not e-mail, not instant message, but post mail! I've never tried sending one, so now I'd like to send personal letters to 22 different people. If you'd like to receive one, just write a comment below with your current address or your address for the the next 8-12 months. Or for the best of your privacy, please do send me an e-mail here: teves_jana@hotmail.com.
Excited to send letters to you! ^_^ 
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