For so many times, I questioned the existence of God

8:41 AM

I was 11 years old  when I began to ask myself, "Is there really a God?"

I remember so clearly that one night in my room when I opened a notebook and started to write that question. I can't remember the specific reason why I came with that bugging thought. Maybe it was after I got scolded, or maybe after I experienced an accident.  I actually don't really have a good explanation why I would I think of such thing in the first place.  But just after finishing scribbling the first question mark, so many other questions about life followed. Although I grew up in a Christian family, I became that girl who was very curious about the universe, how everything in this world had its beginning, life after death, suffering, poverty, morality, etc.

At that one point in my life, I think I became a non-believer. Which was really ironic because I came to be one just a few months after accepting baptism. I was taught to go to church and to pray. And I did. But there was void in my heart. I only pray when I want to question things. I didn't show it, not even admit that I was in doubt and knew I was empty.

But here comes the interesting part where the God I was doubting started to prove Himself to me. It was really, really quiet but persistent and consistent.

Because I was still a little girl who should be carefree and happy, my questions didn't linger too much. They only annoy me when we are at the church and I was forced to listen because we were studying the Bible, or when I pity myself after being scolded. I was somehow an obedient and quiet girl deeply hiding her disobedience and loud doubts about her spirituality.

Then year after year, challenges came to my life. Disappointments, sickness, failures, death, heartaches. They were all painful. Some of them brought back the annoying questions I had. 
But all along, as we try to overcome these things, they brought lessons in my life. And instead of making my doubts more evident and sharper, an eraser was attached to every problem. Gently, these bad experiences rubbed my questions away. But not everything at once. Some questions were difficult to rub that it had to cost lots of tears and consolation and a broken heart all over again. And the people who came and stayed and even those who just passed by also brought erasers with them. They taught me how to gently rub these heavy writings. It took almost 10 years of a quiet but persistent working of a once doubted God to completely erase the bugging thoughts of that little girl and prove that He is true and living.

It requires prayers and an open heart in the yielding to God's words and God's call to entirely believe on Him. It also requires humility and confessing and admitting that I was lonely and empty while still holding on to my disbelief to finally let go. It was not easy especially when doubts come to haunt me while I am praying. But the Bible proves it, "Nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37, 18:27

Now, it is so comforting to know that there is Someone who loves me despite of knowing how sinful I am, that there is Someone who remembers and thinks of me every single time, Someone who is even willing to lay down His life just to save me, and He is  still now pursuing me to be like Him so I can enjoy that wonderful place He prepared just to be with me again. That amazing love has what made my doubts finally go away.
For so many times in the past, I have questioned God's existence. And through God's grace, I don't want to go back doubting again.

PS. Details of the experiences would mean a different blog post. ;)

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