Apr 29, 2012

Ako si Totoy


“ANO NA? SABIHIN MO NA!” galit na galit na sumisigaw ang ama-amahan ko sa’kin.
“Hindi ko ho alam kung anong tinutukoy niyo,” ang takot kong sagot sa kanya habang ang dalawang lalaki sa magkabila kong tagiliran ay hawak-hawak ako ng mahigpit sa braso.
“ABA, MAGSISINUNGALING KA PA?” sabay senyas sa isa niyang tauhan. Sinimulan akong suntukin, sipa-sipain. Halos maisuka ko ang hapunan kong kanin at galunggong.
“Hindi!” –maubo-ubo akong nagsasalita sa pagitan ng mga pananakit. “Wala ho akong maintindihan.”
“STUPIDO!” at nakatanggap ang kaliwang pisngi ko ng isang nakabibinging sampal.

Napulot lang ako sa damuhan.
Pitong taon ako noon nang maratay sa banig ng karamdaman ang nakalakihan kong ina. Sa batang edad, namulat na ako sa gutom at hirap ng buhay. Pakiramdam ko’y kilala ko na ang mundo ko.
“Toy,” ang mahinang tawag sakin ni nanay isang gabi. “Toy, alam mo naming ampon lang kita di’ba?” Tumango ako bilang pagtugon. “Ang totoo niyan ay napulot lang kita doon sa may talahiban sa bakanteng lote.” Naiiyak na ko sa kalagayan ni nanay. “Pero kahit ganoon, huwag mo sanang iiwan ang asawa ko pag nawala ako. Ha? ‘Toy.” Wala na kong nagawa non kundi ang umiyak sa tabi ng higaan ni nanay.

“Pinalaki kita, pina-kain, pinag-aral. Tapos ito igaganti mo sakin? Ha!” Habang nakasabunot ang kaliwang kamay ni Tatay sa buhok ko upang itingala ang bugbog ko nang mukha. Malabo na ang paningin ko at wala na sa tamang ulirat. “Dumaan lang ho ako sa bilyaran.”
“OO NGA, OO NGA!” Sabay laglag ng ulo ko sa aking dibdib nang binitawan niya ng pabagsak ang buhok ko. “Sinong kinausap mo don?! Anong nangyari?” Iritang-irita na siya.
Tumingin ako sa paligid at nakita ang lalaking kaninang bumubugbog sakin na nakaupo sa tabi ng lamesa. Nauuhaw na ako. Tiningnan ko ang lamesa at nakita ang nag-iisang lampara na siyang nagbibigay liwanag sa maliit na lugar na ito. Habang ang mga kulisap ay patuloy ang pag-ikot sa nagbibigay liwanag na iyon.

Laruan ko ang damuhan. Tuwing uwian galing sa klase, ang deretso naming magkakaklase ay sa malawak na damuhan malapit sa bahay. Doon, magpapalipad kami ng mga sariling-gawang saranggola. Pakiramdam ko, ako ang lumilipad habang ang saranggola ay nasa himpapawid.
“Pataasan ng lipad!”
“Oo ba!”
 “Woah! Ang lakas ng hangin!
 “Ahhh.. Ang sarap lumipad!”
Makakauwi sana na masaya kung hindi dadatnan si Tatay na sa bahay na nakikipag-inuman. Uutusan ako, tatawanan at pag lasing na, mabubugbog. Wala akong magawa noon, isa akong bata.

Pinilit akong itayo ulit pagkatapos mahampas ang mga tuhod ko. Hindi ko na maramdaman ang mga binti ko. Nagsindi ng ikatlong sigarilyo si Tatay. Pagka-ihip at pagka-buga, umupo sya sa upuan na nasa tapat ko. “Alam mo kung pano ako magtiwala ‘Toy. Ibinigay ko sa’yo ang supot dahil pinagkatiwalaan kita.. KANINO MO BINIGAY? May diin ang huli niyang pangungusap. Inaalala ko ang pangyayari nang gabing iyon pero mas lumang larawan ng nakaraan ang pumapasok sa isip ko…
Nasaktan ako sa damuhan. Ikalawang taon ko sa highschool nung una kong makita si Anne sa silid-aklatan sa aming paaralan. Sa silid-aklatan ako lagi nakatambay; hindi dahil sa mahilig ako magbasa kundi dahil mahilig ako matulog. Second year din sya at matalino samantalang ako, last section. Kaya talaga namang nahihiya ako sa kanya. Utak-manok ako pero napatunayan kong hindi naman nang maka-isip ng paraan para mapalapit kay Anne. Nagbasa ako ng mga libro sa panitikan para gumaya ng mga linya tungkol sa pag-ibig. Inaabot ko sa kanya ang mga sulat tuwing hapon. Di sya sumagot kahit isang bes pero patuloy pa din ako. Hanggan sa isang araw, nakatanggap ako ng sulat.
Magkita daw kami sa damuhan sa likod ng silid-aklatan. Ako na yata ang pinaka-masaya noon habang nag-aantay sa kanya. Ngunit bigla iyong napawi nung kinausap na niya ko.
“Tigilan mo yung kalokohan na ginagawa mo. Hindi kita gusto at walang kwenta sakin tong mga sulat na to. Mabuti pa kung pag-aaral na lang ang atupagin mo.” At itinapon niya sa damuhan ang mga sulat. Nasaktan ko. Naiyak nalang ako sa sobrang sakit.

“Sasabihin ko na! Sasabihin ko na! Tama na, ayoko na!” Natigil ang mga masasakit na sipa at hampas. “Siguraduhin mo lang na totoo yang sasabihin mo.”
“Oho, totoo ho. Sasabihin ko na.”
“Dala-dala ko yung supot nun sa bilyaran. Nakita ako ni Mang Erni at kinausap. Iniabot ko ho sa kanya ang supot. Di’ba ayaw niyo nang makita yon? Hindi niyo na yun makikita kahit kailan! Wala na, wala na!” Nasa hinuha kong magagalit siya.
“ANAK NG TOKWA! WALA KA TALAGANG KWENTA!” Sabay batok, sampal at kung anu-anong pananakit dala ng sobrang galit.
“BUGBUGIN NIYO YANG STUPIDONG YAN HANGGANG MAGSAWA KAYO! At talagang ipinahamak mo pala talaga ako! Wala kang utang na loob! Mabuti pang mamatay ka na!

Buong buhay ko rin yata ay isang malawak na damuhan. At si Tatay, ang malignong kinatatakutan ko na humahabol sa akin sa malawak na damuhan na ‘to. Tumatakbo, paikot-ikot, makatakas lang sa maligno na hindi lang takot ang dinala sa buhay ko.
Pulis si Tatay pero kahit kailan hindi ko sya hinangaan.
Pinagmamalaki niyang isa daw siyang bayani. Bayani marahil ng mga kriminal.
Tagapanatili daw ng kapayapaan. Baka pasimuno ng kaguluhan.
Wala na kong magawa kundi ang sundin ang konsensya ko ng gabing yon.
Inutusan ako ni Tatay noon na ilayo ang natitirang mga droga na nakatago pa sa bahay. Pinaghihinalaan na daw sya sa kanilang departamento. May nagsumbong. Natatakot sa biglaang pag-inspeksyon ng mga nakatataas sa kagawaran nila.
Galit ako kay Tatay. Hindi, hindi sa kanya. Galit ako sa mga masasamang ginagawa niya.
Ang pananakit kay Nanay na naging dahilan ng pagkakasakit nito, ang pagkunsinti sa mga kriminal,  ang pagkurakot, ang droga.
Bayani sa harap ng ibang tao ngunit isa palang maligno. Isang demonyo ang tunay na anyo.
Iniabot ko ang supot kay Mang Erni. At wala na akong paki-alam sa kung ano pang maaring magawa sa akin ng maligno. Tiwala akong matitigil na ang maligno sa pagkalat ng mga lihim na lagim. Isang mabuting pulis si Mang Erni. Hindi na talaga makikita ni Tatay ang supot.

Napulot ako sa damuhan, mamamatay na rin siguro sa damuhan.
Matataas na talahib ang nakita ko habang hila-hila ako kanina ng isang lalaki.
Hindi ko na maramdaman ang buong katawan ko.
Pagod na ako – tulad ng sinabi ni Nanay bago siya mamatay.
Ilang sandali nalang, alam kong wala na ko. Napagtanto ko na.. mas mahirap ang mabuhay,
wala sa masama ang huling halakhak,
ang masaktan ay maaaring minsan lang.. hihilom din ang sugat,
bagaman masarap lumipad tulad ng saranggola, nakatali pa din ito, hindi makakalipad mag-isa,
at hindi ko pa kilala ang mundo ko. Sayang lang at maaga kong lilisanin ito..


Lahok para sa Bagsik ng Panitik ng Damuhan.com

Introduction

Okaaaay. I'm just giving my work a try. I am not really a writer so please bear. Haha.
I am a lover and a fan of short stories. I also read novels and the likes but short stories are the best for me. Maybe because short stories are short and they leave to your imagination the rest of the story. Unlike a novel which has an ending. If not, it has a sequel. Or sometimes may also leave you hanging after the so many adventures of the characters which at some point I hate because it makes me think, NOW WHAT?!
Short stories are not really short by just it's mere number of words. It is short because it is just a little part of someone or somebody's life story which have been put into words and that had been given a greater detail.
Just last semester, I had found out that I can write short stories. It started when one day I went to the Filipiniana Section of my university's library then I started reading short stories of Filipino writers. That is why I had already written some and shared it here. If you want to read them, click this and this. Most of what I have already written were inspired by the works of the great Filipino writers I have read. And I think they're fine for a beginner like me.
And so, I am going to post another short story. This one's not really good, I admit. But I just tried. It is a piece for a contest of Sir Bino. I have been a silent reader of his blog for almost three months when a contest for free writing was announced. This time, I was not inspired by any work. That is why I am a bit not confident of my work. >.<
Deadline is tomorrow. And I'm just going to submit now. Haha. Better late than never.
I have read the work of others and they are just really awesome that I was hesitating at first to write and submit one. Even at this very moment, before submitting, I am doubtful. But for the sake of my love for short stories (really?), I am going to submit. Soooo, this is just an introduction to my story. :D
Click this if you haven't found my new story yet or just in case you want to read it. :)

Apr 25, 2012

I'm not a girl?!

I'm not girly yet not a lesbian. 
Kapag ba hindi pa-girl eh Lesbian na agad? Di ba pwedeng hindi lang talaga maarte? 
I have read this in Twitter sometime ago and I can somehow relate. And I know many young people like me can also relate.
Well it is just that, I am not into make-ups.
I prefer Sneakers or Tom's instead of Doll shoes or heels.
I wear dress only at church and of course some special occasions.
Sam Pinto. *credits to her FB page
Inside my closet are t-shirts and really few blouses, jeans, and NO SHORT SHORTS. There are skirts for church but there are NO MINI-SKIRTS.
Truth is, no friend of mine had borrowed clothing from me yet because they know that I don't have what they need. Haha!
Another confession, I like beautiful girls. Not that I envy them but I admire them! My latest girl crush is Sam Pinto! Her beauty is really WOW for me.
I usually stalk pictures of my beautiful friends in Facebook. Ssssh! Please don't tell them. :D
New friends tease me that I'm tomboy because of my boyish acts.
But to closest friends, I am really a girl! And like many other girls, kinikilig ako sa mga crush kong super hot! Lol.

So, why I posted this? Because my roommate texted me this morning. She has always been the first person to tease me that I'm a boy. She even calls me her "Boyfie." So yeaaaah, I just remembered and was intrigued about transgenders.

But this came to realization out of my little brain. :)))
Identity crisis is a part of growing up. It's a matter of two choices: Whether you will accept the identity given you or will you change it and live to the justified imagination that you are trapped in a wrong body.

Freaky me!
I'm not being opinionated today. Haha. -_-

By the way, I am 101% straight! And one day, I know I will like fashion. ;)

Apr 20, 2012

Yahoo!

After three weeks, I checked again my e-mail at Yahoo.
I seldom open my e-mail now unlike before when I was really into Yahoo Messenger. Most of my friends, long distance or just even classmates, would chat in YM for hours! But that was before. Currently, Facebook is the trend. And other social sites like Twitter, and etc. I somehow miss those chats in YM.
Anywaaay, that is really out of the topic. What I really wanted to post is this story I have read from Friends' Reflections. I have joined this group in Yahoo Mail since the first day I made an e-mail. If you are a patient reader, or a curious one, you can go back to my Blog Archives find that most of my previous posts are from Friends' Reflections.
This group would send you inspiring stories, poems, messages and videos. I have learned so many stories from them and I admit I am one of those that they have inspired. Lately, not that I blame Facebook, but it is just that my mind has been crowded too much by this social site that I rarely read e-mails from them. Even my e-mail is already crowded with Facebook notifications that I already feel lazy deleting all of them! And eventually I will already feel lazy reading other e-mails.
But just this afternoon, I checked again my Yahoo mail just because I have applied to some this and that's. While scrolling down to these e-mails, I decided to read again from the group. I am not quite busy and I think I lack inspiration so I opened this latest e-mail. I also want you to be inspired so I am posting it here. Hope you'll read it. :)
Here is a true story about a nine year old boy who lived in a rural town in Tennessee. 

His house was in a poor area of the community.  A church had a bus ministry that came knocking on his door one Saturday afternoon.  The kid came to answer the door and greeted the bus pastor.  The bus pastor asked if his parents were home, and the small boy told him that his parents take off every weekend and leave him at home to take care of his little brother.  The bus pastor couldn't believe what the kid said and asked him to repeat it.  The youngster gave the same answer, and the bus pastor asked to come in and talk with him.  They went into the living room and sat down on an old couch with the foam and springs exposed.  The bus pastor asked the kid, "Where do you go to church?"  The young boy surprised the visitor by replying, "I've never been to church in my whole life."  The bus pastor thought to himself about the fact that his church was less than three miles from the child's house.  "Are you sure you have never been to church?" he asked again.  "I sure haven't," came his answer.  Then the bus pastor said, "Well, son, more important than going to church, have you ever heard the greatest love story ever told?", and then proceeded to share the Gospel with this little nine year old boy.  The young lad's heart began to be tenderized, and at the end of the bus pastor's story, the bus pastor asked if the boy wanted to receive this free gift from God.  The youngster exclaimed, "You bet!"  The kid and the bus pastor got on their knees and the lad invited Jesus into his little heart and received the free gift of salvation.  They both stood up and the bus pastor asked if he could pick the kid up for church the next morning.  "Sure," the nine year old replied.

The bus pastor got to the house early the next morning and found the lights off.  He let himself in, snaked his way through the house, and found the little boy asleep in his bed.  He woke up the little boy and his brother and helped get them dressed.  They got on the bus and ate a donut for breakfast on their way to church.  Keep in mind that this boy had never been to church before.  The church was a real big one.  The little kid just sat there, clueless of what was going on. 

A few minutes into the service, these tall unhappy guys walked down to the front and picked up some wooden plates.  One of the men prayed and the kid, with utter fascination, watched them walk up and down the aisles.  He still didn't know what was going on.  All of a sudden, like a bolt of lightning, it hit the kid what was taking place.  These people must be giving money to Jesus.  He then reflected on the free gift of life he had received just twenty-four hours earlier.  He immediately searched his pockets, front and back, and couldn't find a thing to give Jesus.  By this time the offering plate was being passed down his aisle and, with a broken heart, he just grabbed the plate and held on to it.  He finally let go and watched it pass on down the aisle.  He turned around to see it passed down the aisle behind him.  And then his eyes remained glued on the plate as it was passed back and forth, all the way to the rear of the sanctuary. 

Then he had an idea.  This little nine year old boy, in front of God and everybody, got up out of his seat.  He walked about eight rows back, grabbed the usher by the coat and asked to hold the plate one more time.  Then he did the most astounding thing I have ever heard of.  He took the plate, sat it on the carpeted church floor and stepped into the center of it.  As he stood there, he lifted his little head up and said, "Jesus, I don't have anything to give you today, but just me.  I give you me!"

- AUTHOR UNKNOWN -

Tell me if that little boy didn't inspire you! Because if you weren't inspired, maybe I should come tell you the greatest love story ever. :)

Apr 16, 2012

Do not.

Just finished watching the Yellow Brick Road Movie.
I'm not in the mood to make a review; not that the movie was ASDFGHJKL. Also I'm just really late in watching movies. Yellow Brick was released in 2010. So, not a latest movie.
Anyway, I just want to talk about senseless things.
Well, truth is. I want attention.
I want to be asked.
Want to be scolded, if someone must.
Want to be slapped in the face.
I want to laugh.
I want to be the reason why someone's smiling.
The reason why someone is crying.
I want to go out.
I've been desperate for days to walk in grass.
Grass that is so green.
Or even dry grass.
Or any grass. Just let me walk in it.
Let me see it.
Let me feel it.
Let me sense.
I want to see people I don't know.
Listen to their stories and laugh over it or cry over it.
And at the end of the day, be a friend.
There are only few people I know.
And there are few people I haven't shared something unique in their lives.
I don't know.
I don't want to be typical, common.
I want to be a stranger.
Ironic? Still, I don't know.
Maybe these thoughts are a level-up to puberty stages.
I guess so.
Cause I am not like this before when I can contain and hide feelings and emotions.
And eventually, burst it in secret.
-Write them in a notebook.
Unlike now, I burst it somewhere where a few may be able to read.
Cause I really want attention.
Sorry.
Watch the Yellow Brick Road and be caught up in a psychological movie. :D

Apr 10, 2012

A keepsake


There are moments you know can never happen twice. They’re nice, memorable, or wonderful that as they last, you would want to cease the time from running and cherish every second that it is happening. But not all moments that were once precious are still precious after the days, weeks, months and years pass by and be called memories. Because the fact is, time is fast running and tomorrow is always unsure.
Some memories are so amazing that when you got to meet again the people involved during these past happenings, you would always want to talk about it again, laugh about it again, reminisce it again, or be proud of it again. You never regret being with these wonderful people, or being with this extra-ordinary person because they had made you happy and that once in your lifetime, there was this moment that had been very special and had written a delightful chapter in your life.
Lovely memories are those you know without them, your life can never be complete.  They make you nostalgic every time presents moments are a resemblance of the past. People involved are the most special in your life but you know you can never be again with them because reality is, like it or not, a life always meets its end. A simple picture, simple clothing, simplest things, make you yearn for them and for the happiest moments with them. Sometimes you even regret because you feel the moments you shared are not enough and that you can only wish you cherished all the time you had while with them.
There are unforgettable memories which seem to be a real treasure before while it lasts but as people, things, and milieu changes and passes by, they are now regretful memories to you. Sometimes though you really wanted to forget what happened in the past, you just can’t stop recalling happenings. Especially when the person involved was once a paramour. The places you visited before, the sweet or bitter conversations with him/her, belongings or stuffs you shared with each other, even fragrance or similarities of him/her – these can make you remember the past. But as you get back to your senses, you’ll feel again the pain. Maybe not because of what that person has done to hurt you but because you feel, the treasured moments were just wasted.
We may never remember anymore the days, but we remember the moments. These are now a part of a man’s sequestered literature of life, an album, a diary.
So many memories to reminisce. Some are untold while others are talked.
But all were once a part of time in the past, of course. You have even wished times stood still. Maybe because you want to rest and stay that moment, wanted that very hour to last forever for you are so joyous and loved, or maybe you never wanted to stay for another minute of your life because of the pain and sorrow. Or it might be you didn’t want to last a second of being so angry and annoyed.
They had made you. And the memory you will do today for the future, can dictate who you are for tomorrow.
To look backward for a while is to refresh the eye, to restore it, and to render it the more fit for its prime function of looking forward. ~Margaret Fairless Barber, The Roadmender

Apr 4, 2012

Happy 18th Chi!

Ang tanging naka-upo sa lapag, the Birthday Girl. :D

I missed these guys so much!
At last! nakita ko ulit sila kanina. Kulang kami ng dalawa. Sayang talaga, pero marami pa namang next time para makasama sila ng kumpleto. :)
18th birthday kasi ni Rhacell, ang model ng SUBO.
We had so much fun! Lagi naman kaming ganon pag magkakasama. Kaya nga super namiss ko sila.
Kahit simple lang naging celebration ng debut ni Chi (Rhacell), super happiness talaga. At alam naming masaya din sya.
8:00 am, nagkita-kita kami sa Jolibee Robinsons (7:00 am talaga usapan pero Filipino time eh). Dumating kami sa Tagaytay at around 9:00 at isang malaking surprise yun kay Chi! Nag group message sya samin early in the morning at sinabing MANDATORY ang ATTENDANCE sa kanyang birthday. Pero dahil hindi niya alam na plano na talaga naming pumunta sa kanila, nagreply kami sa kanya na hindi kami makakapunta. At pagdating namin sa bahay nila, talaga SURPRISED sya, naiyak pa nga eh. Hindi niya talaga ineexpect na dadating kami.
Ang sarap sa feeling na mapasaya mo yung kaibigan mo sa simpleng pagsurprise lang sa kaniya. :)

Games! 
Ang sarap ng foods na luto ng kanyang Mother Dear. Nakakalaki ng tyan dahil kakain ka talaga ng kakain. Ang saya din magkantahan ng magkantahan, hindi sa videoke kundi with the guitar and song hits! Napagtripan din namin ang Ipad ni Sir Noel. Haha. Picture-picture at nilaro lahat ng games. Hanggang sa natigil sa Unblock Me na game. Nilampasan ang record ni Sir na 100th level in just few hours. Haha. Like a boss!

The Henna Tattoo! 
At ang pinaka-highlight ng birthday ni Chi, ang Henna Tattoo. Si Ella ang nagdrawing at ang birthday girl ang naghenna. Medyo matagal ang yung paghenna, mano-mano ba naman. Bumili lang kami ng balck hair dye tapos yun, gumawa ng mixture, nagdrawing si Ella, tapos inapply ang mixture. At maganda ang kinalabasan! :D Pwede ng business ng SUBO! Haha.

Chi with her pumps.
Muntik ko na pala malimutan, ang pumps na gift namin kay Chi. Hindi ko talaga alam kung ano ang pumps. Pano ba naman, wala akong alam sa fashion. Kung hindi pa siguro namin niregaluhan si Chi ng pumps, di ko malalaman kung ano yun. >.<
At the end of the day, kahit na sobrang kaba ko dahil 4pm sabi ko kay Mama na uuwi ako pero 7pm kami naka-alis sa Tagaytay, MASAYA talaga. Minsan ko lang sila makasama kaya happiness talaga.
BESTEST GIRLFRIENDS EVER. <3
Happy, happy Birthday again to Rhacell! May God bless her more of everything that is wonderful.
Sa next birthday ulit! :)


Apr 1, 2012

Read me!

Talking about my personal feelings is really rare. In case you've stumbled upon my blog and is currently reading this and you know me personally, I suggest that if we are friends but not the kind of really, really close friends, then don't try to be one. Haha! April Fools! :D

Nahh. Just wanna express something but can't.
And I just want to write anything.
Waaaah. Or maybe I was just really angry earlier.
Yep, I was angry.
And they tell, I am always.
Haaay. Oh well, carameeell.
I'm craving for caramel popcorn at the moment.
Maybe that'll lessen my bitterness.
But caramel popcorn is unavailable.
Sleep might be the best answer.
Besides, I'm tired as a running horse. (EHHH???)
Now I don't know what's happening to me.
>.<
Swimming should be accused of this!!
Aaarrrgghh.
My whole body really aches.
Now I'm expressing.
What a rant.
But this ain't talking to self.
This is talking. No, typing.
Or maybe conversing. Yeah, yeah.
With you!!
Now why don't you just answer me,
Want to be friends?
e-mail me! :))
blueferocity2008@gmail.com

I'm half-crazy over you. April Foolsss!! Haha!
If I would wake up tomorrow morning and would realize that what I wrote tonight is a real EPIC FAIL.
I promise, I'll delete this post. Haha.
But if I thought otherwise, then I'll keep this.
And maybe would still do things like this.
Haha.
*Sigh --- I'm just really tired.
Have a good night.

PS. The title of this post should've been.. CRAZY and NON-SENSE. Haha. And, Happy April 1st. HAHA.
LoveLots.
Naj
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